January 6, 2000

Beginning of the Road

By Dane Sorensen

Ah, my first day in the new millennium. I couldn't wait to get up. It was still dark in my bedroom so I called out for Rosie the Robot to prepare my shower. As I yawned I looked forward to my first ultra sonic shower with the pulse massage and insti-clean jets. I remember how we use to actually get wet with water and dry ourselves off in the bad old 1900's.

Before I turned over for a couple more stolen minutes of shuteye, I thought that blueberry pancakes with real maple syrup and melted butter would make a great breakfast today. I, also, felt like some hot crisp bacon. Four pieces. No, make it five. I figured that was enough and so thought to myself, "Make it so." I knew my telepathic cyber kitchen would already be synthesizing the blueberries for my breakfast.

The weatherman said it was going to be clear and sunny today, so I mumbled out loud, "Computer, please set the backyard to 74 degrees today and tell kitchen I will eat outside. Tell the yard computer to have all the flowers blooming in red today. Including the orange and cherry trees.

I closed my eyes and wondered what century I should choose to dress from for this new day. Surely, being New Years Day it should be something special. Perhaps the shirt with the programmable message board on the back flashing "Happy 2000!" would look cute. I thought about the colors of my clothes, including the shoes and then left the style decisions to my automated wardrobe with advanced fuzzy logic. It knew what I liked and I knew I would not be disappointed. In this millennium I was always in fashion.

With my eyes restfully closed I thought about what I wanted to do today. After all, I still had six days left of Christmas break. Perhaps taking the helio-car to Rome for some good Italian food would be fun. I turned to my bedside telephone and ordered it to call my sister in Hawaii and my parents in Minneapolis to see if they wanted to join me for lunch.

It was pleasant to lay in a nice warm bed. I always enjoyed waking up slowly, naturally, without a loud alarm assaulting my senses. I was glad the next millennium was going to be so much more civilized without all those tight schedules, cold breakfasts, traffic jams, and high taxes.

It was lucky for all of us to have been chosen to lead this new life. It was only right that things should be this way. After all, we elected one of the most honest, hardworking Presidents the country ever saw. He single-handed cured Aids and personally saw to it that every truth was uncovered during his blessed and enlightened stewardship. His sponsorship of the sciences gave us everything we ever wanted.

I can remember reading about how great it was going to be when I was in third grade. In "My Weekly Reader" it foretold about all the things robots and computers would be doing for us. All those government scientists were on top of things and it was only a matter of making it to the twenty-first century before life would be near perfect.

With Jenny Craig keeping us all thin, Hillary Clinton keeping us all young, and NASA flawlessly giving us the Universe, we are truly the chosen people. Yes, nothing can go wrong...go wrong….go wrong.

Just then my wife woke me up and said I had overslept. She reminded me to make sure the driveway was shoveled before she had to leave. I did not smell any blueberry pancakes in the air. I did not smell bacon. Rosie was no where to be seen. As I looked out I did not see red flowers in my front yard. All the cars were snow covered and earthbound in my street. Time for another cold shower. All those stories in "My Weekly Reader" must have had a typo in them. It must have been the year 3000, not 2000 that they were talking about. Just our luck, a dollar short and a millennium late. How could they lie to an eight-year-old? I suppose we still have to pay for all those presents we bought in 1999? Now that really is a rude awakening.